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You Can Count On It

By Franz Wisner

Like stomachaches on Halloween or athletes who talk about themselves in the third person, there are constants in life beyond death and taxes. So to for life on the road, especially after extended travels. Here’s an incomplete list of things you can expect during an upcoming trip:

The Brits have a genetic disorder that prevents them from applying suntan lotion properly. Just look at those crazy Rorschach sunburn
         patterns on the next man who orders a Guinness in the middle of the day.

Your best experience will be something spontaneous.

You’ll change your views on an issue thought to be previously unchangeable.

Someone will stand up in the airplane before it comes to the gate, prompting a stern warning from the flight attendant.

Despite the push following September 11 for major changes in air travel, you’ll see that security procedures in the rest of the world have
        changed little.

You’ll get sick. Eventually. I lasted a year, but was finally done in by a Subway sandwich. Serves me right, by the way, for ordering a
        Subway sandwich anywhere on this planet.

The longer you’re on the road the less you’ll stress about things like traffic jams or a lack of hot water.

You’ll feel guilty about not knowing a foreign language, yet believe even stronger that English is the universal tongue.

Canadian flags will begin to irritate you. You know the ones. They’re plastered all over backpacks and clothing by hyper-patriotic Canadians
        and confused Americans who somehow think they will be immune to terrorist attacks with a red and white maple leaf. Kurt got so tired of
        them he sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack – upside-down and crooked. “Um, mister, I hate to tell you this. But your maple leaf
        is askew.”

You’ll overpay by at least 25%, most of the time never realizing it. Once you do find out, the longer you’re on the road, the less you’ll care
        (Kurt excluded).

After the trip, newspapers will be far more interesting. And you’ll shake your head at the shortage of foreign news in all countries.

You’ll also listen with greater interest to a friend’s stories about travel.

Hotels that hoist the world’s flags perpetuate falsehoods. The truth is world travelers come from a select few countries. The rest simply can’t
        afford it.

An American griping about something petty like bus seats that don’t recline will reaffirm the notion of the “Ugly American.”

But, if you pay attention to travelers from other countries, you’ll realize Americans don’t corner the market on ugly.

And if you talk to enough people, you know that “uglies” from the U.S. and elsewhere are far outnumbered by respectful and curious
        travelers.

Even if the trip strays from plan, you’ll usually long for the next one within 24 hours of your return.

Travel is the only investment with guaranteed returns. Count on it.
 

Franz Wisner is a writer/vagabond, and author of “Honeymoon With My Brother” who, in a previous reincarnation, used to work as a lobbyist, public relations executive, and government press secretary. During his world journeys, he penned numerous travel articles and opinion pieces, which appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle, Los Angeles Times, ABC News on-line, and Coast Magazine, among others. Franz and his brother, Kurt, are currently traveling the globe for their next book, also with St. Martin's Press.
 

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