RETURN TO HUMOR PAGE

The Queen of Imagination, Gone Bad

Georgia Richardson

Growing up I was known by my friends and family as the Queen of Imagination. In other words, I could out-lie just about anybody, including my four sisters. Just the other day, one sister admitted she’d always admired my ability to “elasticize” the truth. It seems I had an uncanny ability to take the truth, bounce it around, stretch it this way or that, mold it to my liking, then serve it back to the recipient without ever cracking one facial expression. I was the master at deceit. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind for a legacy, so after surviving my teen years, I decided the truth would undoubtedly set me free.

I vowed then to always tell the truth.

How have I done? Hmm…would that scoring be on a scale of 1-10? If so, I’m living somewhere around an 8, with an occasional 9. Sometimes. I’ve never quite made it to 10. I’ve discovered it’s hard to always tell the truth. Especially when you love your family and friends, and the last thing you want is be their ticket to “Bluesville.”

Case in point; last week I saw a friend of mine at the mall. She walked up to me and I almost didn’t recognize her. She had practically ZERO hair. She asked how I liked her new haircut. I knew I’d seen lawns with better cuts, but I also knew she’d scrimped, saved, and even skipped lunch with the girls for two days running just to afford a trip to this famous “Hair Whisperer.” So I said, “You know, you’re haircut really does bring to mind that phrase, There’s a new girl in town!” She beamed. As we shopped, I made sure I walked 4 paces behind her. Ew. That’s one Whisperer who should be made to do time.

But, at least I had told the truth … sort of.

Like this tiny little infraction wasn’t bad enough, my vow to stay true was once again tested. And within a week of the other! Guilt consumes me.

A close friend asked if I’d join her and her new boyfriend, (who I hadn’t met), for dinner. At first, I was totally up for it and thought, how cool! This would give me two things … a chance to get out, and finally, a face to put with all of the stories she’d been sharing about him. What? Hey, girls talk … it’s what we do. Good thing he doesn’t read this column. I hope.

We met at a local Mexican restaurant and my first impression of Mr. Right was that my friend needed to take a refresher course in Math. There IS a big difference between 5’3” and 6’1.” The guy came just above her navel. Okay, so he wasn’t THAT short, but he was short. She’s a comfortable 5’7” without shoes. He was, however, ambidextrous. He could chew with his mouth open and talk. Ew, Ew.

Putting these two things aside, Mr. Wrong ordered for her, ate off her plate, and shared a rather loud burp saying that indicated he really enjoyed his meal. It was on the tip of my tongue to say we could tell that by simply looking down the front of his shirt. Can you say, BIB? But I held my “truth” inside.

The next day I ignored the telephone rings. I knew she was dying to compare notes, and wanted me to give her the girlfriend “blessing” for the happy couple. After all, love me, love my boyfriends or they must go, right? Finally, I caved and answered. She asked so I sealed the lid on the coffin and said, “You know, he is definitely someone your Mother would love.” Another truth gone bad, but it had the desired effect. She dumped him. Who wants someone Mom would pick out?

If you want to know if you’re diet’s working, don’t ask me, step on the scales. If you want to know if those pants make your butt look big, puleaseee don’t ask me! Ask the sales clerk; they’re on commission.

Don’t test me, I’m running out of imagination and half-truths.

Besides, I’m using what I have left on ME. “Oh honey, you are soooo clever and sooo funny.”
 

Southern humorist, Author, Speaker and Gabologist Georgia Richardson, or Queen Jaw Jaw, currently writes a monthly humor column for The National Association of Baby Boomer Women (NABBW) and BOOMER Magazine. She’s been published in Woman’s World, Shoals Woman, Guidepost online, GRAND magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul Magazine, and a host of other online and print publications.

Her debut book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Throne, consists of every day life experiences with just a twist of the imagination. Her second book, Pink Jasper- Gems from the Journey, was written by Georgia and five other women across the United States, Canada, and England and … they’ve never met. Her third book is scheduled for Fall-‘07. Visit her Queendom www.queenjawjaw.com. 
 

RETURN TO HUMOR PAGE